For the past few days I have been feeling down in the dumps, like somebody kicked my puppy or stole my husband. Nothing specific has happened to make me feel this way but I have an overall feeling of sadness that is constantly dogging me.

Late last night/early this morning I woke from a fitful sleep to be bitchy to my husband and burst into a puddle of tears while trying to silently cry so as not to alarm him. I don’t know why I started crying or why I haven felt the need to be bitchy to everyone who surrounds me. I am not generally known for my bitchi-ness nor do I cry often in front of people. You can ask my husband, I’ve maybe (save for last night) cried a grand total of two times in front of him, plus or minus watching Brothers & Sisters (it doesn’t count.)

I felt like a giant baby hating asshole when my OB had her giant dildo-esque ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha and I didn’t ohh and ahhh over the baby. She kept clapping her hands and “yay” ing me “there is your baby!” she exclaimed happily but, I just nodded my head and kept my arms tightly wrapped around my too small robe to keep my “bubbies” from falling out.

Do most women pass out from sheer exhilaration? Cry? Scream? Laugh? I mean she was clearly trying to coerce some sort of emotion out of me but all I could think was, that’s got to be a boy. Girls don’t bounce around like that. I didn’t reach for Mark’s hand or have any tears. I literally felt nothing, except awkward and uncomfortable.

Mark’s Aunt e-mailed me after I mass e-mailed the ultrasound to the folks who asked for it, asking how I felt when I saw. Honest to God, I wanted to write, “Well um – I had a giant wand up my vage so I was a bit uncomfortable and a teeny bit cold …” before realizing she meant how I felt when I saw Nuggey (yes, I know Nuggey is the nick name of one of MckMama’s children but, I don’t care.)

I understand “baby blues” but I was always under the impression that generally happened AFTER you gave birth. So is it my hormones or should I see somebody? It’s becoming epic hard to explain what I am going through to Mark without sounding like a terrible no good asshole.

So tell me ladies (privately or publicly) when did you have your first connection with your baby (ies) ?


~ by Kendall on October 23, 2009.

One Response to “Blue.”

  1. The process of having a baby is intense, and MOST people have mixed reactions! Sounds like there’s some freaking out, some anger, some grief going on…that’s ok! I encourage you to feel your feelings and have a good cry if you need to.
    BODA weight loss

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