Forgive me?


 

I feel bad for the word vomit I spewed last night.  I was in a really bad place and I guess all I really needed was a good cry. I bawled like a fucking baby for a few hours and today my eyes look like little piss holes. That’ll teach me to cry for 6 solid hours. I’m glad Mark wasn’t home. I have cried one and only one time in front of him ever. Want to know why? Because he didn’t do the laundry and I was pissed. I mean not just, “oh ok honey, well we will get it done sooner or later” pissed but, sobbing snot faced throwing shoes at the wall get out of this room before I strangle you pissed. I came around in a few hours, shortly after Mark SPEEDCLEANED our bedroom. It was fuckin’ spotless.

 

Where was I going with this?

 

Oh ya, I don’t cry in public. I mean, I cry in public, weddings, funerals, births, TV shows, that kind of stuff. I never ever ever let anybody see me cry because of something they said or did to affect me. I guess I just never learned how to properly deal with the emotion of being hurt. I can remember the first few times I was hurt and hurt badly. After my parent’s got divorced, they settled with the customary custody arrangements, dad gets us every other weekend and one night a week. I can remember sitting in front of the big windows we had in our old house, with my overnight bags packed, my favorite stuffed dog and my pillow. I was so hopeful back then and only saw good in people. I would fall asleep on the tile floor waiting for him to show up. He never showed, of course. I wish that my mom would have taught me how to deal with the hurt and rejection I felt back then. I wish she would have told me it was ok to cry about it rather than pull the “don’t waste your tears on him” card.

 

Over the years I began fulfilling the “youngest child syndrome” becoming the clown of the family and almost always the center of attention. I am the one who makes the jokes, the one who brings the tears with the laughter. I easily fit the role and I take my job very seriously. I recently cried at a wedding and my Mom was seriously concerned for my well being. “How does my child, who cares about almost nothing cry at a stranger’s wedding?”

 

I said all that to say, every feeling I’ve felt in the last 12 or so years have been answered with either food, humor or sarcasm. I need to find a better way of dealing with things when somebody hurts my feelings. And yes, ladies and gentleman, you can hurt steel.

 

Maybe I need to go to therapy or something? I’m a fuckin’ nutcase lately. Maybe it’s the weather that is making me feel like a mental patient. I swear to god, the sun has not shown her face in like, 876 days. It sure seems like it.

 

Why am I bitching anyway? It’s motherfuckin’ CHRISTMAS!! Well, almost.

 

Do you all want to bang your head through some sheet rock yet? Sorry. I like to bring everybody down with me when I fall.

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~ by Kendall on December 23, 2008.

One Response to “Forgive me?”

  1. You should have seen my eyes yesterday morning. Puffy and red. We could be twins! {{HUGS}}

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